flashback

One more year slides past as I sit in the still of the night, a time when ideas, impressions, memories and dreams from unknown sources come visiting. I am saddened to read that over 40,000 civilians of Indian origin have been killed in Ceylon.
This time when I visited Ceylon, I sensed the feeling of repression and the underlying cruelty of the civil war/strife that has ravaged this isle. My earlier resentment with my dad for bringing us back to India slowly receded like waves when the comprehension of the grim situation set in my mind. I still recall the early 60’s when ethnic violence first broke out in Colombo, how amidst the violence and death threats, Dad took a different route to work each day, he was worried that the scars of the ear piercing would give him away as an Indian.
In my early years when I visited India on our annual sabbaticals, I suddenly discovered a horde of uncles, aunts and cousins and the emotional experience
overwhelmed, my homesickness for Ceylon. My nascent relationship with the emerald isle was finally broken when we re-located to India, now it’s a place that I can visit but never domicile. Back in India my adolescent years were spent with Mom and her relatives and despite the cultural differences, I began to imbibe the plurality and Sanskritic culture of the rural towns. Growing up and surrounded by people with strong religious beliefs I just like my absentee father, was irreligious, though conforming to the cultural Hindu mould. In many ways I was told that I resembled my father, I had his mannerisms, aristocratic nose, cavalier attitude and in later years inherited his smokers cough.
During my formative years the security of moms family masked my fathers absence, and thus the real lessons of life were learnt, not with my dad at my side encouraging me or commiserating my failures, but by walking alone and discovering my strengths, skills and abilities on my own. I learnt not only to survive this cruel world, but also to succeed in some good measure. While mom and others who knew that everything in my life was uncertain thought my success, was an accident and not design!
When you live closely with pain, grief and moments of joy, you get a valuable insight into life, living and the world around you. I also learnt not to keep scores (emotional accounts/kadamas) and not bother about recognition or reward, but quietly follow my heart. Initially I too thought I was lucky, but now I get the sinking feeling that all along Dad knew that I would fashion my life the way I wanted it to be.

None of will live forever, so let us enjoy the journey, who cares if we have arrived or not, the destination is not important.