Wife Support System

CIRCA 1994
SLUM CITY
MUMBAI
Wife Support System

They say that the more one travels, the less one knows! This must be really true of all Airline crew, as they log up all those miles, they seem to know less and less!!

That’s why I always wanted to retire at 40 years; I thought I would be O.K. with my P.F., superannuation and motley shares. My wife could continue to work as my in-laws too would be no more. But it looks as if it is not going to happen. Bandish never knew what it was when she asked me to leave Hyderabad and my friends (less numerous than the early years)

She was quite busy with her flying schedule Mardiwala, reporting sick, children, parents and local gossip to bother about my shift or career. She was only keen all along to persuade me to give up drinking and wear skin tight trousers which would reveal one’s religion. Anyway now with the role reversal I’ve got to remind her to bring home the Bacon & cod-roe, while I handle two wayward brats.

The fact that I finally came to Bombay on a full time house job, was a shock to everyone. My dog died in protest and the kids too numb from the shock of too much attention! As for my in-laws in later years ever since the Honeymoon was over, treated me like some boring but necessary home appliance (fridge or washing machine).

I must say I have coped well!! I have mastered the controls of the T.V remote & know by heart the programmes on each channel. I profess my knowledge & IQ levels have shot up to enlighten me while watching “Filmi chakker, Kasauti zindagi Ka, Zee T.V Soon I will overtake Jyotsna & others in close up Antakshari.

The pressure of looking after two super brats is very high and if not for the fact that I have had experience in high pressure marketing jobs, I would have failed miserably. Imagine starting the day by trying to coax one child to eat Kellog’s rice crispies drowned in hot milk, the battle ends with the cripies ground into the carpet and the milk poured down the window sill for the benefit of the insect life down below. Children want food, but not on their plates, they want food which is not on the menu, like strareddy beddy and pizza! The eldest complaints that it is too veggie and the youngest doesn’t want meat. The ½ hour intervals between chewing did not help, finally my colour turned to red wine trying to request them to do a chomp chomp act. After this getting them to bed is like trying to close a large sales deal, one has to cajole, sell, give free gifts, promises before getting them to clamper onto bed. My hair is turning yellow, more due to the children’s piddle (Dokle Moothla) than to dyed colour transition.

Now I know why my bachelor friends are having a hearty laugh as I carry my babies to the toilet they are carrying some babes in some exotic massage parlors.

After mastering the art of remote switching, watching, the phantasmal flickering images, filtering out meandering thoughts, reflect a diffused illusion of being in the real world without having to deal with it. Knowing the price of vegetables, when to expect MILIND for lunch and savour the grapevine gossip. The goat occasionally provides that extra entertainment provided I listen to his incredible stories.

My old friends don’t call on me anymore and most of them drank too much anyway. My wife has got a brand new coperty, though it’s a mystery as to who is to benefit from it. Slowly my libido is also going the same way as my friends, lifestyle and money, (Menon pause) trying to match the perfect timing for sex! Finally I will have to contend with one of those inflatable dolls brought from the flea market of course! Only hope that it doesn’t have too many punctures or headaches!

I remain philosophical thanks to alcohol, while my in-laws and outlaws dub me as a drunkard. I have already started peering into the bottom of my old monk bottle like a crystal gazer to see if the future is clearer in 1995. No business ventures, as the Menon’s in their pioneering efforts had neither the aptitude nor inclination for big business.

I always admired the Libyan who swapped his wife for a reefer (Marijuana), when he was charged under Islamic law and pronounced to be flogged, he admitted that he would rather be “stoned” than take back his wife!

As my nest egg dwindles, I might as well leave, before I am put on a permanent wife support system. Well in another fortnight one more year will have gone by and the question will be “who is Kaputty”? I think pretty soon I will look for a silly 9-5 job to get away from all this. MAMA come soon, papa wants to work again.



Vinay.